February 28, 2014 at 9:31 pm #1278495
A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.February 28, 2014 at 9:32 pm #1278496
After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”
okay okay :crazy:February 28, 2014 at 9:32 pm #1278497
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.February 28, 2014 at 9:32 pm #1278498
A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:
“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?
The sailor said no to all his questions.
Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.
After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?
The professor said no.
Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.February 28, 2014 at 9:33 pm #1278499
A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”
The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’s discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”February 28, 2014 at 9:33 pm #1278500
The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.
The boy shouts from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”February 28, 2014 at 9:34 pm #1278501
There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A state trooper pulled it over.
“What did I do wrong, officer?” the driver asked.
“You were going 26 MPH on a major highway, there is a law against that. You must go at least 50 MPH.”
“But when I got onto the highway, the sign said 26!”
“That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn’t the speed limit!”
The driver leaned back into her car seat and the cop saw another woman sitting beside her, she looked as pale as a ghost.
“What happened to her?’ the officer asked.
“I don’t know, but she has been that way ever since we got off the interstate 160.”February 28, 2014 at 9:34 pm #1278502
A man carrying two huge suitcases to meet with a circus boss to apply for a job. The boss asked:
“What do you know?”
The man took out some big stones from one of the suitcases, threw the stones high in the air and used his head to catch the stones.
The boss nodded. Great. What is in the other suitcase?
“Painkiller!”February 28, 2014 at 9:34 pm #1278503
How much does it cost to get married?
A little boy asked his father: “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
The father replied: “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”February 28, 2014 at 9:35 pm #1278505
A college student is deeply in love with his classmate but he doesn’t know what to do to get the girl’s attention.
One day, he came to ask the girl for help with his assignments and the girl agreed.
Happily, he came to sit next to the girl the next day and took out a book pretending to read.
After a little while, the girl asked: “You must be a genius. How can you read a book upside down?”February 28, 2014 at 9:35 pm #1278506
The teacher asks Jimmy:
Teacher: “Jimmy, why aren’t you writing?”
Jimmy: “I don’t has a pencil.”
Teacher: “Jimmy, that’s not a correct sentence. The correct way is: I don’t have a pencil; he doesn’t have a pencil; we don’t have a pencil.”
Jimmy: “Who stole all the pencils then?”February 28, 2014 at 9:35 pm #1278507
Two young boys’ conversation:
Johnny: “What makes the baby at your house cry so much, Tommy?”
Tommy: “If all your teeth were out, your hair off, and your legs so week you couldn’t stand on them, I guess you’d feel like crying yourself.”February 28, 2014 at 9:36 pm #1278508
Teacher: “Let me hear how far you can count.”
Eugene: “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, jack, queen, king.”February 28, 2014 at 9:36 pm #1278509
Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Fred’s book, Tommy.”
Tommy: “I hope you didn’t, too, sir.”February 28, 2014 at 9:37 pm #1278510
3 men died and went up to heaven. The guy at the gate said “The better you were to your wife, the better kind of car you’ll get.”
The first guy was very loyal to his wife and got a Ferrari. The second man fought with his wife so he got a broken down car. The last guy cheated on his wife dozens of times so he got a scooter.
One day the guy on the scooter saw the guy in the Ferrari crying. He asked him, “Why are you crying?”
He answered, “I just saw my wife on roller skates.”February 28, 2014 at 9:37 pm #1278511
A drunkard stammers out of a bar and ran into 2 priests. He ran up to dem and says, ~ I’m Jesus Christ~. The priests reply ~No son, you are not.~
The drunk says, ~Look, i can prove it~ and walk back into d bar with d priests. The bartender takes a look at d drunk and exclaim, ~Jesuse Christ, you are here again?~February 28, 2014 at 9:38 pm #1278512
Mia, Cathy, Edward, David and John all decided to go for a walk in the jungle one day. Upon their stroll, they came across a pit of quick sand. It was way too long to jump over, and much too wide to go around. It had already taken them an hour to get this far, and none of them wanted to turn back.
“What are we going to do?” asked Cathy.
Just as she finished her sentene, a genie appeared.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “You can all walk across the quick sand without sinking, as long as you’re not gay.”
So, first Mia went across, and she didn’t sink. Then Edward walked across, and he didn’t sink. Then Cathy walked across, and she didn’t sink. The three of them then looked back to find John’s neck deep in the quick sand.
“John, you’re gay?” asked Mia.
“No,” he stated “David is holding onto my pants!”February 28, 2014 at 9:39 pm #1278513
There was a couple sleeping. The wife had a bad dream, she woke up scared and cried.
Her husband comforted her and asked why she cried, she replied: “I had a dream that a very rich and handsome man kidnapped me from you.”
Husband: “It is ok honey, it was just a dream.”
Wife responded loudly: “That is why I’m crying.”February 28, 2014 at 9:39 pm #1278514
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they met a sign that said: Disneyland left. So they started crying and went back home.February 28, 2014 at 9:40 pm #1278515
Here are my favorites:
There was a couple…the lady was very talkative and she kept talking with people on the phone hour after hour when she is alone at home.
End of everymonth they used to get a massive telephone bill and the husband was so worried on this.
One day they were dining at the table and the phone rang..
The lady’s reaction was immediate…she ran to the phone and started chatting..
After about 30-min she hang up and came back to the table.
The husband was happy that she hang up in 30 min which was a good sign where she normally doesn’t hung up at least for 2-hours. So he happily inquired…was she busy to hang up so early???
No..it was a wrong number.. replied the lady..February 28, 2014 at 9:42 pm #1278516
One husband came home drunk in the night. He needed use the toilet as soon as he got to the house. Then he did it and went to sleep.
Next day he woke up and went to his wife…
Husband: Darling, yesterday I felt something different when I was using the toilet. The door of the toilet has to be pulled. And also there was an autumatic light when I opened the door…
His wife thought for a while and went to check…
Wife: OMG…next time please check whether you are going to use the toilet or the refrigerator…February 28, 2014 at 9:43 pm #1278517
An 80-year old man walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.
The doctor says to him, “Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?”
“Great,” says the old man. “I have an 18-year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”
The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, “Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a
lion. He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.”
“What?!” cries the old man. “Why? that’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion.”
“Exactly!” says the doctor.February 28, 2014 at 9:44 pm #1278518
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.February 28, 2014 at 9:44 pm #1278519
Man at restaurant: Excuse me waiter, could you come here?
Waiter: Is everything okay?
Man: Everything is fine, but would you please try my soup?
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir, we really can’t do that.
Man: No I won’t say anything, please try my soup.
Waiter: Well, is there something wrong with the soup?
Man: No, but will you please try the soup?!
Waiter: Okay, okay… Where’s the spoon?
Man: Ah-hah.February 28, 2014 at 9:45 pm #1278520
There a couple live in an apartment, they have married for many years, but they still live without children, the husband does not know how to make a child, so he decided to get some advises from the man living next the door.
The man was very happy to help and said: first, you should buy her some perfume, some shampoo, and take my telephone number.
The husband asked: “And then?”
“Tell her take a bath, then take some perfume”
“You should go out, and call me by your phone.”
“I’ll come to your home and help you make a child.”
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