Dear Coca-Cola,
“Aaaaargh!”, was my first reaction when I noticed. And it’s just as well I noticed and aaaaarghed when I did, otherwise it would’ve been curtains for me and my mouth. Let me explain.
I am a large and keen drinker of Buxton mineral water. I haven’t always been large – I was very small when I was born, for example (relatively speaking; I was certainly much larger than concepts, and wasps, chaffinches, small sandwiches etc. I have never been larger than a Mini, however, and this has always vexed me. That’s what it says on my badge! Sadly I ate the badge many years ago as a protest, but I kept it afterwards). Buxton is without question the finest bottled water I have ever eaten. I usually feel ten times better after eating some, and get up and go out jogging or climbing in windows. It’s a real breath of fresh water. In fact, it’s probably the most impwaternt part of my day.
So as you can imagine, I was rather surprised when I bought a faulty 500ml bottle last Thursday. I got into my brown car, lifted my trusty Buxton for a guzzle, bit off a mouthful, balanced it on the steering wheel for safekeeping… and spied no less than a full size shark in the bottom of the bottle. “Aaaaargh!”, I quipped briefly, before leaping out of my car to safety. I slammed the door shut to keep the monster at bay, and ran off to the nearest coastguard – a whole forty-eight miles!
The wonderful people at the fantastic coastguard (I have nothing but praise for them, they were brilliant) beat me half to death with hammers and threw me into the sea. I washed up in Cornwall four days later, having survived on a diet of plankton and trousers, and was promptly arrested for indecency. Nineteen days later I emerged triumphant from jail, only to be re-arrested for possession of a dangerous animal. “Dangerous animal?”, I thought, “I don’t own a dangerous animal – unless you count my dragon, and he’s pretend.” Then it dawned on me – I’m sure you’ll have already guessed. It was the shark!
I politely explained the unusual circumstances to the policeman, and he kindly let me off with some swearing and a caution. I walked up the country back to my car and climbed in, still soaking wet after my swim to Cornwall – thankfully the car was also soaking wet from the shark, so I didn’t damage the upholstery.
Anyway, I don’t want to sound mean, but it did cost quite a lot to clean my car, and the trousers I ate were fairly pricey when I bought them. I still love Buxton, but I do feel you have a responsibility to your customers when things go wrong: and so I politely request some form of compensation for my considerable discomfort. It was, after all, your shark.
Yours sincerely,
Chad Bradley.

And the reply:-

Dear Mr Bradley,
Thank you for your recent letter regarding a faulty bottle of Buxton Natural Mineral Water that contained a foreign matter (described as a full sized shark). We were most concerned to hear of your dilemma and trauma as we go to great lengths to ensure our product reaches you in the best possible condition.
As you will appreciate without the return of the product in question or a note of the production date codes taken from the bottle, it is impossible for us to investigate your report. Therefore we are unable to speculate further as to the cause of the problem you reported.
I would like to assure you that the Buxton bottling plant operates in full compliance with the requirements of the Natural Mineral Waters Regulations and maintains extremely high standards. Before production, the entire plant is sanitised with hot water. Prior to filling, the bottles are inverted and rigorously rinsed to ensure they are free from foreign matter. They are then fed to the filler, where they are filled and immediately capped in quick succession within a sanitary, enclosed environment. A comprehensive monitoring scheme is in place, including full microbiological analysis of samples from the source to the final package.
We appreciate your concern and the inconvenience such an incident may have caused you. If we can be of further assistance please do not hesitate to contact us.
With best wishes
Yours sincerely
Tim Wallace
Quality Manager