the other day, i got an unexpected phonecall from an ex-girlfriend who said she’d been thinking of me recently. we chatted for some time, instantly hitting it off again, reminiscing some of the great times we had together.

eventually, we ended up talking about our former sex-life, she was very complimentary and even hinted at re-kindling the passionate times we spent together. i told her that i’m not quite the feisty young man i was, a fair few years had passed and i might not be the firecracker i once was. she giggled and told me she was sure i’d “rise to the occasion”. i told her that i was a little bit balder and had a few inches on my waistline than when i last saw her, she just laughed and teased me, saying that tubby, balding men were cute and i’d still be attractive to her anyway. she then added “besides, i’ve put on a few pounds on myself recently…”

so i told her to fuck off.