Talk to Cliffy

[DJCliffy]

Seeing as PartyVibe is now one of the leading forums in sex and dating, relationships etc, I am going to offer my services to those that need advice in such areas. I shall strive to deliver honest frank advice in the only way i know how.

Talk to Cliffy is here for you.


(Disclaimer - Some advice will be of a humorus nature. Please don't be offended and please know i don't accept cheques)

:love:

[DaftFader]

who ever made this a sticky needs shooting (in the nicest way possible) .. only bad things can become of cliff with power :cry::love::laugh_at:

[p0ly]

dear sir master cliffy, i need your advice!! i met this gnome in b&q and we hit it off real good. so basically we got chatting and of course my home address came up, i didnt know what to say but i gave my correct address and hoped id be left alone............ this gnome has been stalking me everywhere! what shall i do?

[Angel]

Got a problem too :cry:

My bf lives in London, and I really miss him a lot some nights alone in bed :cry:

Do you have private sessions about 10pm :weee:

[DJCliffy]

dear sir master cliffy, i need your advice!! i met this gnome in b&q and we hit it off real good. so basically we got chatting and of course my home address came up, i didnt know what to say but i gave my correct address and hoped id be left alone............ this gnome has been stalking me everywhere! what shall i do?

Well polygon there are many things that you can do. My own personal advice would be for you to plant several anti-personnel landmines in and around the spaces on your property where a stalker would most likely watch from. Invest in a night vision enabled M107 .50 Caliber Long Range Sniper Rifle. Install two high powered spotlights to blind your target and then take him out. I hope this helps.

[DJCliffy]

Got a problem too :cry:

My bf lives in London, and I really miss him a lot some nights alone in bed :cry:

Do you have private sessions about 10pm :weee:

I do. :crazy_dru

[Angel]

I'll send you my mail :laugh_at:

Do you use webcam too? :scared:

I really really miss him :cry::cry:

[!sinner69!]

I'll send you my mail :laugh_at:

Do you use webcam too? :scared:

I really really miss him :cry::cry:

this is love by proxy...HA HA!:bounce_fl

[DaftFader]

angel i though we were suposed to be keeping this a secrit :yakk:

[DJCliffy]

I'll send you my mail :laugh_at:

Do you use webcam too? :scared:

I really really miss him :cry::cry:

Aww why don't you fly over and see him? :love:

(I don't have a webcam, not after someone hacked into my computer and starting watching me, he made me call him dave, I didn't like it) :laugh_at:

[Angel]

will you stop following me DF..

i told you i dont love you no more..

Cliffy on the other hand :love:


























*Angel should log off for today before giving herself problems* :sign0078:

[Angel]

(I don't have a webcam, not after someone hacked into my computer and starting watching me, he made me call him dave, I didn't like it) :laugh_at:

:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at: LMAO

[DaftFader]

will you stop following me DF..

i told you i dont love you no more..

Cliffy on the other hand :love:


























*Angel should log off for today before giving herself problems* :sign0078:cliffy is bad enough when he only using one ay his hands let alone two .. :yakk:

[Angel]

you guys are soooooooo silly :group_hug

[DaftFader]

you guys are soooooooo silly :group_hug
so you were being serious? :hopeless:

[Angel]

so you were being serious? :hopeless:

:love:

[p0ly]

Well polygon there are many things that you can do. My own personal advice would be for you to plant several anti-personnel landmines in and around the spaces on your property where a stalker would most likely watch from. Invest in a night vision enabled M107 .50 Caliber Long Range Sniper Rifle. Install two high powered spotlights to blind your target and then take him out. I hope this helps.

i took your advice and i came into some problems. the first one is i now have a dead postman on my front garden :crazy: the second is i thought i saw the gnome sneaking around near my house so i used my m107 on him....... it happened to be verne troyer!

[MisterDuck]

cliffy, i have relationship problems. the problem is i have no relationship. i would love a relationship mainly for the regular sex and financial leeching. however when i tell girls this they call me a horrible shallow human being. could you find me a rich, attractive girl who is not intelligent enough to notice thousands of pounds going missing each week?

[DJCliffy]

i took your advice and i came into some problems. the first one is i now have a dead postman on my front garden :crazy: the second is i thought i saw the gnome sneaking around near my house so i used my m107 on him....... it happened to be verne troyer!

Well the postman might be a problem. I'd get yourself some lime and a wooden handled shovel. Take the body out into the woods and dig a hole about 8 feet deep. Line it with the lime and throw the postman in. I saw this on the sopranos so it must be how you dispose of bodies. Verne troyer you should turn into a living statue to ward off any future gnome attacks. hope this helps.

[DJCliffy]

cliffy, i have relationship problems. the problem is i have no relationship. i would love a relationship mainly for the regular sex and financial leeching. however when i tell girls this they call me a horrible shallow human being. could you find me a rich, attractive girl who is not intelligent enough to notice thousands of pounds going missing each week?

I can help you here. Find yourself a singles night where the male population is minimal. Find a rich lonely old spinster who smells slightly of wee. Approach said lady and woo. Within 6 months you'll be written into her will. Then you should enrol her into various extreme sporting activities. Sooner or later you'll come into a substantial amount of money.

[p0ly]

Well the postman might be a problem. I'd get yourself some lime and a wooden handled shovel. Take the body out into the woods and dig a hole about 8 feet deep. Line it with the lime and throw the postman in. I saw this on the sopranos so it must be how you dispose of bodies. Verne troyer you should turn into a living statue to ward off any future gnome attacks. hope this helps.

i have a little bit of trouble with the postmans body... the land mine made it blast into pieces and his arm seems to be on someones roof across the road! how should i go about getting it back?

[DJCliffy]

i have a little bit of trouble with the postmans body... the land mine made it blast into pieces and his arm seems to be on someones roof across the road! how should i go about getting it back?

Get yourself a hunting eagle to retrieve the arm.

[DaftFader]

i have a problem .. i have 6 toes ... but one is on my left hand so i kainda have 6 fingues .. 2 of witch thumbs .. but one thumb is biger and smells of cheese .. what should i do ?:cry:

[p0ly]

Get yourself a hunting eagle to retrieve the arm.

thx cliffy, uve got me out of a sticky situation

[DJCliffy]

i have a problem .. i have 6 toes ... but one is on my left hand so i kainda have 6 fingues .. 2 of witch thumbs .. but one thumb is biger and smells of cheese .. what should i do ?:cry:

Join a travelling circus. Become part of the freak community. You'll soon become a legend and have your pick of the hairy woman.

[DaftFader]

Join a travelling circus. Become part of the freak community. You'll soon become a legend and have your pick of the hairy woman.
ah sweet man thanks fot that :love:

[DJCliffy]

ah sweet man thanks fot that :love:

No worries mate. have fun with the hairy woman. :wink:

[p0ly]

dear cliffy, i have a problem..... my mums stopped wiping my bum for me and i just cant do a good job on it at all!! i really need some help!

[DJCliffy]

dear cliffy, i have a problem..... my mums stopped wiping my bum for me and i just cant do a good job on it at all!! i really need some help!

I can't help you with that. you're gonna have to learn how to wipe your own arse.

[DaftFader]

I can't help you with that. you're gonna have to learn how to wipe your own arse.:love:

[p0ly]

I can't help you with that. you're gonna have to learn how to wipe your own arse.

thanks cliffy! you're a great help

[DJCliffy]

thanks cliffy! you're a great help


:wink:

[benbear]

Dear D.R D.J Cliffy

I met a girl at a party and I liked her but she had very big hands and huge feet and her name was Dave.

What should I do ?

[p0ly]

dear cliffy, ive been talkin to some guy on msn occasionally, his name is daftvader. i think hes pretty cute and i really wanna try n get in there but im not sure if hes into guys...... heeeeeeeelp

[DaftFader]

i am D.J. Cliffy and i sugest you block him from msn and deleat him as a contackt .. HE IS MINE!!!!!:love:

[p0ly]

i am D.J. Cliffy and i sugest you block him from msn and deleat him as a contackt .. HE IS MINE!!!!!:love:

IMPOSTER

[DJCliffy]

i am D.J. Cliffy and i sugest you block him from msn and deleat him as a contackt .. HE IS MINE!!!!!:love:

IMPOSTER

Take it outside you two.

[p0ly]

Take it outside you two.

yes cliffy sir

[greenelf]

Dear DJ Cliffy,

I am a bored, lonely, horny single stay at home mum. I'm up for no strings casual sex with willing friends but everyone is either in a relationship, really ugly or wants more than I can give... Prostitution isn't an option, what d'ya reckon I should do... :)

[DJCliffy]

Dear DJ Cliffy,

I am a bored, lonely, horny single stay at home mum. I'm up for no strings casual sex with willing friends but everyone is either in a relationship, really ugly or wants more than I can give... Prostitution isn't an option, what d'ya reckon I should do... :)

PM me. :wink:

[greenelf]

PM me. :wink:

heh

see, i am actually serious... :laugh_at: and i sent you an email through the system this morning.

[Sini]

Dear Cliffy.

I have just entered a relationship but it's mega complicated, i can't disclose why. Are you getting good vibes that it's going to be a good'un?

[DJCliffy]

Dear Cliffy.

I have just entered a relationship but it's mega complicated, i can't disclose why. Are you getting good vibes that it's going to be a good'un?

Well now without details it's hard to tell. Unless it's a rebound relationship or a ménage a' trios kind of thing you should be ok. :wink:

[greenelf]

Dear DJ Cliffy,

You seem to have your c*ck up my arse, I'm just wondering, does this mean its serious?

Yours,

Lou :)

[DJCliffy]

:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at: Quality!!

[Dr Bunsen]

You seem to have your c*ck up my arse, I'm just wondering, does this mean its serious?

Does this happen to you a lot then Cliff?

:laugh_at:

[DJCliffy]

Does this happen to you a lot then Cliff?

:laugh_at:

Haha not as much as you'd think :laugh_at:

[p0ly]

Dear cliffatron, i seem to be getting extremely turned on by racoons. am i normal? should i see i doctor? should i shoot myself!? plz i need ur help

[DJCliffy]

Dear cliffatron, i seem to be getting extremely turned on by racoons. am i normal? should i see i doctor? should i shoot myself!? plz i need ur help

I think you need to add up the pro's and con's of a relationship with a raccoon. Sure they're lovable and cute but they are also vicious and full of diseases. If you cheated on one you'd soon know about it. I say no but if you really work hard at it then fuck it, go for it. Just make sure you have all the current shots.

[p0ly]

im lonely and i dont fancy girls or men, only raccoos and a few other animals so im stuck........ raccoons or eagles. i also have a slight attraction to sharks (espicially ones with frickin laser beams attached to their heads)

[greenelf]

pmsl at poly!

dear dj cliffy, i'm joining the convoy i mentioned, at midday today - going to meet a ton of hippies in a field in dorset, thing is... is there's this queue to get a go with me and i just dunno where to start. and should i start charging? i mean the price of diesel is high and so's the price of jonnies... :)

[Tank Girl]

Dear DJ Cliffy,

You seem to have your c*ck up my arse,
Ha ha quality :laugh_at::laugh_at:

[greenelf]

Dear DJ Cliffy,

I seem to have been tutu'ed...

http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss195/djukh/usatgathering.jpg
http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss195/djukh/usagain.jpg


...and it makes me do rude things, please help!

ps i've also had me hair dreaded...


http://i575.photobucket.com/albums/ss195/djukh/medreaded.jpg

[greenelf]

oh bum my code didnt work, sorry, they're meant to be behind spoiler tags!

[joshd96320]

cool pics :) love the swimming pool in the last one lol

did you have fun! raaa

[p0ly]

freddy kruger top in the last photo =)

[MisterDuck]

pmsl at poly!

dear dj cliffy, i'm joining the convoy i mentioned, at midday today - going to meet a ton of hippies in a field in dorset, thing is... is there's this queue to get a go with me and i just dunno where to start. and should i start charging? i mean the price of diesel is high and so's the price of jonnies... :)

re-use condoms

five men = one condom

standard

anymore than five and you really risk them splitting

[greenelf]

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa boothy!

yes i had great fun, got me a blokey. the one in the top pics actually.

err that aint a swimming pool, its someone's windbreaker set up outside their tent :P

[DJCliffy]

Fair play Lou! I'm happy for ya!!!! :group_hug

[joshd96320]

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa boothy!

yes i had great fun, got me a blokey. the one in the top pics actually.

err that aint a swimming pool, its someone's windbreaker set up outside their tent :P

oh i see LOL
:crazy_diz

looks like a swimming pool... good thing i wasnt there, i might have faceplanted somebodies ass while they were having sex in a tent

[greenelf]

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa funny

dear djcliffy,

i have the urge to dance around a maypole naked, what should i do?

[joshd96320]

DO IT DO IT DO IT

[DIONYSUS]

dear cliffy i have a major problem. My shitty job seems to be holding me back. All i want to do is get on with my chosen career of being a professional cainer, but i always have to cut my weekends short because i have to get up for work on a monday. Could you fix it for me so that i can a) cain it as much as possible and b) get paid for it.
Thanks

[DJCliffy]

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa funny

dear djcliffy,

i have the urge to dance around a maypole naked, what should i do?

Well i think you should do it. Get a maypole then 'Ave it! raaa

[DJCliffy]

dear cliffy i have a major problem. My shitty job seems to be holding me back. All i want to do is get on with my chosen career of being a professional cainer, but i always have to cut my weekends short because i have to get up for work on a monday. Could you fix it for me so that i can a) cain it as much as possible and b) get paid for it.
Thanks

The only option you have is to save up a few grand, say 5,000 grand or so, Take 6 months off and fly over to South Africa. Five grand will last you the whole 6 months and the drugs are very cheap and very very good. You will be able to live like a king and be able to cain it every night. :bounce_fl

[DIONYSUS]

The only option you have is to save up a few grand, say 5,000 grand or so, Take 6 months off and fly over to South Africa. Five grand will last you the whole 6 months and the drugs are very cheap and very very good. You will be able to live like a king and be able to cain it every night. :bounce_fl

you seem to have overlooked point b)

[DJCliffy]

you seem to have overlooked point b)

I didn't even see point b) :laugh_at:

[DIONYSUS]

I didn't even see point b) :laugh_at:

im dissapointed tbh i bet Jim could have fixed it for me.

[DJCliffy]

im dissapointed tbh i bet Jim could have fixed it for me.

Jim is a fraud. I've fixed more people than him.

[p0ly]

dear cliffy i have a major problem. My shitty job seems to be holding me back. All i want to do is get on with my chosen career of being a professional cainer, but i always have to cut my weekends short because i have to get up for work on a monday. Could you fix it for me so that i can a) cain it as much as possible and b) get paid for it.
Thanks

process is in the right brain mode :love:

[Angel]

My boyfriend went home to UK 3 weeks ago and I'm not sure when he's back here.

My head's filled with all sort of :devil_wag pictures and I used to be such a sweet and innocent girl :laugh_at:

What can I do, and don't say join a monastery tried that and it's just not me :razz:

[DJCliffy]

My boyfriend went home to UK 3 weeks ago and I'm not sure when he's back here.

My head's filled with all sort of :devil_wag pictures and I used to be such a sweet and innocent girl :laugh_at:

What can I do, and don't say join a monastery tried that and it's just not me :razz:

You could always ring him, have a bit of phone sex ya know!! :love:

[Angel]

You could always ring him, have a bit of phone sex ya know!! :love:

Just not the same, but better than nothing I guess

Thanks Cliffy :group_hug

[DJCliffy]

Just not the same, but better than nothing I guess

Thanks Cliffy :group_hug

No worries, also failing that get a webcam, get him to get one and well, you know innit!! :crazy_dru:crazy_dru:crazy_dru

[MisterDuck]

cliffy, i'm going out tonight with a girl, its definately potential, but i only have one condom

should i:

1. only go one time (and not leave as good impression)
2. use clingfilm or a crisp packet as a subsitute
3. stop assuming that the night will end in sexy times