How to Tell My Parents I'm a 'Raver'?

[hairygrape]

Hello everyone, I was hoping for some advice. I thought to come here as you're more likely to have experienced it yourself than anyone I'm close to.

So... I'm 16 and go to squat parties every few weeks (try to keep it spaced out). I don't get mashed out of my face but since I've started going I've also started experimenting with select rugs. I'm taking it slowly and making sure I know about something, and plan to, before I try it... Its not like I'm taking anything I can get my hands on.

Because I still live with my parents, I still tell them where I'm going when I leave the house. When I leave on a Saturday night not to return until Sunday afternoon I tell them I'm sleeping at a friend's house, which they believe and are fine with.

It's not a question of me thinking they will stop believing my excuses, its that I simply don't want to lie to the people that give me food, shelter and warmth (they even pay for me to go to the parties without their knowledge). I feel bad that I'm lying to them and that there are exciting, and sometimes troublesome, things happening in my life that I can't talk to them about. For this reason, I want a way to tell them about my activities.

I wouldn't be apprehensive to tell them at all if it was just a club or something, but because they are illegal parties where illegal activities take place, I am. So if I told them, I'd probably have to tell them that I might take a bit of mandy on the night, too. I'm pretty sure they know I smoke weed irregularly and they're not too bothered with it, but I don't think they'd be as accepting with other rugs.

So basically, what do you think the best way to go about it would be? I'm actually serious about it as its been bothering me of late, so I'd appreciate serious replies.

Thanks, Louis

[p0ly]

dont understand why u need to tell them but ok, dunno wot 2 say but just tell them you're going to a party?

[General Lighting]

I know its harsh having to lead the double life but TBH I'd keep up some of the pretence until you are old enough to live on your own or at least independently (by having a job, paying rent/housekeeping etc)

Parents today do seem to be more liberal than they were when I was 16-18 but in hindsight my parents concerns were understandable - that I might suffer mental or physical health problems, that I might become a victim (or even a perpetrator) of violence, that I would get arrested etc. Their biggest concern was that due to drugs use I would find it hard to get education/employment ; and yes heavy use of cannabis, amfet and MDMA did cause disruption to my formal education but I fucking hated 6th form/uni anyway and still hate formal education...

The problem though with openly letting on you do MDMA etc is that if you are snappy on a comedown or lunch out household chores etc its usually then when your parents will pull you up for this and try and guilt trip you (at least thats what I found...) or they will blame drugs use for any perceived "not getting on in life"..

From what I gather you live in East London / South Essex and many people there are very ambitious and want to do well in business, but there is a prevailing conservative mindset where people accept their need to participate in the rat race.. it rubs off on everyone in the area, even those what might be a bit more "alternative..."

[p0ly]

I know its harsh having to lead the double life but TBH I'd keep up some of the pretence until you are old enough to live on your own or at least independently (by having a job, paying rent/housekeeping etc)

Parents today do seem to be more liberal than they were when I was 16-18 but in hindsight my parents concerns were understandable - that I might suffer mental or physical health problems, that I might become a victim (or even a perpetrator) of violence, that I would get arrested etc. Their biggest concern was that due to drugs use I would find it hard to get education/employment ; and yes heavy use of cannabis, amfet and MDMA did cause disruption to my formal education but I fucking hated 6th form/uni anyway and still hate formal education...

The problem though with openly letting on you do MDMA etc is that if you are snappy on a comedown or lunch out household chores etc its usually then when your parents will pull you up for this and try and guilt trip you (at least thats what I found...) or they will blame drugs use for any perceived "not getting on in life"..

From what I gather you live in East London / South Essex and many people there are very ambitious and want to do well in business, but there is a prevailing conservative mindset where people accept their need to participate in the rat race.. it rubs off on everyone in the area, even those what might be a bit more "alternative..."

yeah i really dont think its a good idea to tell them at all, just say ur going to your friends party if u really feel like you should

[DJCliffy]

What are your folks like? Are they laid back or quite strict? If they are laid back I'd test the water and ask them what they think of ravers and free parties, Say you read about one in a paper and want their opinion. If they are strict then I'd keep quiet cos raves do get a bit of bad publicity these days and they might worry about their 16 year old son going to them.

If you sense it will be a problem then don't tell them until you are older. Why spoil a good thing eh. :wink:

[DaftFader]

well when my parents found out i was "up to no good" at the weekends .. it didn't go down well as i was about the same age as you if not a few years younger .. and in there eyes i would imagin they think you are too young to do stuff like that as you are probably still there little baby .. (i'm 23 and my mum still treats me like that to a certain extent) but now i am older they just except that i am an adult and have the right to make my own desisions in what i get up to .. as long as i am not harming any one and not harming my self (too much) then they can see it's just fun ... so how ever you decided to tell them you should be prapared that they may not except it at first .. i know some people who are in there late 20's eary 30's and parents still dont agree with them going raving .. but it all depends on the parents. i think there main worry would be your safety. alot of people have misconceptions of raver due to the fact that alot of non raver types have got into the rave sceen because of the allure of the drugs mainly and the money to be made from them .. also the money to be made robing people as there can be lax security depending on the organisers and alot of "victims" in one place. but this doesn't help your cause as they will associate this with raves ...

at first it might be a good idea not to tell them you goto illigal partys and mby just tell them your going to a club and staing round friends .. then tell them your going to an all night club/rave .. that is legal .. and let them get used to the idea of that .. i would normaly say tell them the truth .. but it could be a shock strait from the off to them so may be a good idea to ease them into the thoguht of you being a party head :wink:(and it's not as if your not lieing to them allready)

[General Lighting]

yeah i really dont think its a good idea to tell them at all, just say ur going to your friends party if u really feel like you should

I had to do this well into my late 20s. TBH its only really now that my mum sort of accepts my lifestyle (ironically at a point where this stage in my life is slowly coming to a close!)

the problem particularly in South Essex, East Anglia and SE England is all these areas were the hub of the rave scene in the 1990s. A substantial proportion of my generation did fuck up from overdoing the drugs, through their own stubbornness and stupidity, even after having access to increasingly accurate information of their potential risks.

Of course the media has exaggerated some of it, but I've noticed most people don't believe the media but draw from their own personal experiences.

very few people drop dead off party drugs, but many heavy users do suffer medium term serious mental health problems - enough to make them lash out at people close to them. These problems are reversible, but even if people forgive they never forget seeing someone they love put themselves and others through hell.

older parents may have witnessed some of my generation suffering - younger parents (i.e my age (!) ) may remember the hell their friends went through. of course no decent person wants to see things like that so they may feel they have to be against drugs even if they once took them.

my own father was a recreational drug user and for years wrestled with the paradox of having to discipline his son simply because my choice of drugs was illegal and his (benzodiazepines) wasn't. This conflict lasted from 1988-2000 (he suffereed a terminal illness in part due to kidney damage caused by benzos, which of course made my mum even more paranoid about drug use!)

It was only the week he died that he realised the paradox and we made our peace.

[DJCliffy]

It was only the week he died that he realised the paradox and we made our peace.

Sorry about your da mate :group_hug

[General Lighting]

Sorry about your da mate :group_hug

thanks for the kind words - although the time previous to that did also teach me a harsh lesson about looking after your health and not overdoing things

Dad started off as a sort of hippy but as he got older totally embraced "Thatcho's dream but with Malaysian Chinese characteristics". There is a phenomenon called "kiasu" (Hokkien Chinese for "afraid to lose") which meant he pushed himself hard in business (doing two jobs etc) and also pushed me and my sister hard to succeed in school etc (which we stuck out as long as possible)... actually its not unlike the attitude I notice in Essex and the more urbanised border area with Suffolk :wink: - so if hairygrapes parents are like this he might have to play it safe..

most parents accept the fact their offspring go "clubbing", and you might choose to stay at your friends house afterwards as you don't want to be on the streets of London or on transport networks late at night what with all the trouble...

[rachus]

Imy own father was a recreational drug user and for years wrestled with the paradox of having to discipline his son simply because my choice of drugs was illegal and his (benzodiazepines) wasn't. This conflict lasted from 1988-2000 (he suffereed a terminal illness in part due to kidney damage caused by benzos, which of course made my mum even more paranoid about drug use!)

It was only the week he died that he realised the paradox and we made our peace.

Shame about the tiffs with your dad but its good you sorted it in the end :)

I often think the same about my mum, i rolled my first spliff infront of my mum last weekend, we were all very pissed and my mum knows i smoke but she still asked the same questions she always does "who do you get it from? where are you getting it?" bla bla.. I'm old enouhg now to admit about class As and parties if i wanted to cos i dont live at home, i have a job, i save money,etc etc but I kind of know i dont need to, maybe she's in denial or maybe naive but im not going to kick up a fuss for nothing.

Mate my advice is to save is for another time, if it starts to worry her that your out so much she'll ask and if she guesses then thats ur chance to be honest,like GL said if your under your rents roof you could be making your life hell. At least let ur rents try and enjoy the beauty of your "innocence" even if you know very well its not there!

Good luck!

[spark_plug]

i bet you anythin when you tell them, as they start gettin more comfortable with it, the stories will come out. it happens to everyone

'i worry about you at night i wish you'd ring me'....'listen to this house tape from this pirate radio station your uncle used to do'....'i went to a few raves down on the parkway in the early days'...'you know your uncle darren dropped 6 pills once at a rave cause he was gonna get searched?'

the stories will come floodin haha

[Digital-A]

Ive been attending parties for years, and had done before my parents knew much about what was going on, thinking back i actually thought they would not neccesarily dislike my escapades but that they would not show approval. Telling your parents in my opinion your a 'raver' is the wrong way to put it across ... your labelling yourself, if your parents are daily mail readers theyll be all over that in seconds! There isnt anything wrong in letting your parents know what you get up to, but put it quite plain and simple. why are you there? what makes you want to go? tell them these things.

I think the hardest thing with my parents was that they couldnt get their heads round the concept of a 'free' party, this isnt their fault they had never been to one or been talked to about it.

At the end of the day all they want to no is your safe so word it correctly, simply and spelt out ... theres no need to worry them and theres no need to feel like your hiding anything - your 16 for gods sake :)

take it easy chap, tom :D

[General Lighting]

there are some other important issues hairygrape needs to think about

- is he a only child or are there brothers and sisters? if they are older, then parents may have already had their views soured by an older siblings problematic drug use. if they are younger, parents don't want the oldest child "corrupting" the younger ones.

- Have his parents friends or any of their children had issues with problematic drug use?

IME people these days don't believe the newspaper quite as much but their views are shaped by personal experiences....

[hairygrape]

dont understand why u need to tell them but ok, dunno wot 2 say but just tell them you're going to a party?

I don't need to tell them... I don't particularly think its in their or my best interests for them to know... Its just that I hate lying to them and missing out on telling them about the people I'm meeting and experiences I'm having, if you understand that?

[hairygrape]

The problem though with openly letting on you do MDMA etc is that if you are snappy on a comedown or lunch out household chores etc its usually then when your parents will pull you up for this and try and guilt trip you (at least thats what I found...) or they will blame drugs use for any perceived "not getting on in life"..

I always make sure to be firmly down on anything (except maybe be a bit stoned) before I go home and even when I do, I can easily stay out of their way so that they don't notice anything strange.

From what I gather you live in East London / South Essex and many people there are very ambitious and want to do well in business, but there is a prevailing conservative mindset where people accept their need to participate in the rat race.. it rubs off on everyone in the area, even those what might be a bit more "alternative..."

I understand what you're saying, my area and surrounding areas are Conservative hubs... Luckily however, my parents are against this and have not, and never plan to, ever vote for them.

[hairygrape]

What are your folks like? Are they laid back or quite strict? If they are laid back I'd test the water and ask them what they think of ravers and free parties, Say you read about one in a paper and want their opinion. If they are strict then I'd keep quiet cos raves do get a bit of bad publicity these days and they might worry about their 16 year old son going to them.

They're quite liberal in comparison to other people's parents my age. They tend to not get too involved in my life - like they'll show their disapproval of stuff but they respect my maturity enough to let me make my own decisions and mistakes.

If you sense it will be a problem then don't tell them until you are older. Why spoil a good thing eh. :wink:

Good point. :)

[hairygrape]

at first it might be a good idea not to tell them you goto illigal partys and mby just tell them your going to a club and staing round friends .. then tell them your going to an all night club/rave .. that is legal .. and let them get used to the idea of that .. i would normaly say tell them the truth .. but it could be a shock strait from the off to them so may be a good idea to ease them into the thoguht of you being a party head :wink:(and it's not as if your not lieing to them allready)

Good idea... :love:

[hairygrape]

I had to do this well into my late 20s. TBH its only really now that my mum sort of accepts my lifestyle (ironically at a point where this stage in my life is slowly coming to a close!)

the problem particularly in South Essex, East Anglia and SE England is all these areas were the hub of the rave scene in the 1990s. A substantial proportion of my generation did fuck up from overdoing the drugs, through their own stubbornness and stupidity, even after having access to increasingly accurate information of their potential risks.

Of course the media has exaggerated some of it, but I've noticed most people don't believe the media but draw from their own personal experiences.

very few people drop dead off party drugs, but many heavy users do suffer medium term serious mental health problems - enough to make them lash out at people close to them. These problems are reversible, but even if people forgive they never forget seeing someone they love put themselves and others through hell.

older parents may have witnessed some of my generation suffering - younger parents (i.e my age (!) ) may remember the hell their friends went through. of course no decent person wants to see things like that so they may feel they have to be against drugs even if they once took them.

my own father was a recreational drug user and for years wrestled with the paradox of having to discipline his son simply because my choice of drugs was illegal and his (benzodiazepines) wasn't. This conflict lasted from 1988-2000 (he suffereed a terminal illness in part due to kidney damage caused by benzos, which of course made my mum even more paranoid about drug use!)

It was only the week he died that he realised the paradox and we made our peace.

Sorry about your dad.

I'm pretty confident that as long as I'm living with my parents 'full time' (realistically another 2 years), I'll never have any problems with overdoing drugs. The only problem is I don't think I'll be able to convince my parents this as much as I believe it...! :wink:

[hairygrape]

Dad started off as a sort of hippy but as he got older totally embraced "Thatcho's dream but with Malaysian Chinese characteristics". There is a phenomenon called "kiasu" (Hokkien Chinese for "afraid to lose") which meant he pushed himself hard in business (doing two jobs etc) and also pushed me and my sister hard to succeed in school etc (which we stuck out as long as possible)... actually its not unlike the attitude I notice in Essex and the more urbanised border area with Suffolk :wink: - so if hairygrapes parents are like this he might have to play it safe..

My parents aren't like this. They'll support me almost whichever career route I choose to go down. They do want me to do well in school (because most of the time it will lead to a more 'successful' (in the eyes of the masses) life), but I don't think they'll push me to do anything further than I need to. Luckily I do have aspirations of going to University after my A-levels and I see as much as they do that certain things (which could result from me partying) such as drugs could get in the way of this.

[hairygrape]

Mate my advice is to save is for another time, if it starts to worry her that your out so much she'll ask and if she guesses then thats ur chance to be honest,like GL said if your under your rents roof you could be making your life hell. At least let ur rents try and enjoy the beauty of your "innocence" even if you know very well its not there!

Good luck!

Thanks for the advice... :love:

[hairygrape]

i bet you anythin when you tell them, as they start gettin more comfortable with it, the stories will come out. it happens to everyone

'i worry about you at night i wish you'd ring me'....'listen to this house tape from this pirate radio station your uncle used to do'....'i went to a few raves down on the parkway in the early days'...'you know your uncle darren dropped 6 pills once at a rave cause he was gonna get searched?'

the stories will come floodin haha

:laugh_at:

If only!

I have asked my mum about her days when she squatted, but she was totally blank when I hinted at squat parties, so she's far from knowing them as well as we do... :crazy_diz She's also never dabbled with drugs (except from trying weed once :weee:).

My dad lived a pretty sheltered life and felt that being a 'neo-socialist' (ie. Labour's 3rd way suits him fine) was a rebellion against his upbringing. Not that there's anything wrong with that in my opinion, but in the scope of things... Especially when compared to people on this forum... :wink:

[hairygrape]

Telling your parents in my opinion your a 'raver' is the wrong way to put it across ... your labelling yourself, if your parents are daily mail readers theyll be all over that in seconds! There isnt anything wrong in letting your parents know what you get up to, but put it quite plain and simple. why are you there? what makes you want to go? tell them these things.

100% agreed. I hate labelling, and especially the overuse of 'rave' today I find somewhat offensive! :crazy_dru

Fortunately they aren't fans of the Daily Mail (my dad calls it things along the lines of 'awful' and 'disgusting'.

Last suggestion is great. Being the understanding people they are, I hope they'd be able to relate to my reasons for going to squat parties over legal events.

[hairygrape]

there are some other important issues hairygrape needs to think about

The name's Louis. Glad to meet, etc. :wink:

- is he a only child or are there brothers and sisters? if they are older, then parents may have already had their views soured by an older siblings problematic drug use. if they are younger, parents don't want the oldest child "corrupting" the younger ones.

My sister had her problems, but they were to do with mental issues with herself (depression and things like that). She 'doesn't understand' why people take drugs, even though she regularly socially drinks... :you_crazy

- Have his parents friends or any of their children had issues with problematic drug use?

Yes - one of my mum's best friends experimented with drugs a lot but had the worst problems with marijuana and blames a lot of his life failings on that.
Also another of my mum's friend's son became addicted to crack aged 15 and has the resulting problems of crime and relationship breakdowns that most crack addicts do.

[hairygrape]

Thanks for all the replies people. Feel free to merge all my posts if you like by the way... :wink:

[General Lighting]

it seems like your parents are socially and politically liberal which might make things slightly better but they are still going to worry like all parents do especially with their friends experiences with their 15 year old son.

your mum is probably of the age group just above mine, who would have got involved in various forms of progressive political activism but still shied away from drugs.

In those times (late 70s/early 1980s) there wasn't any MDMA commonly found in England, the main "party" drugs were cannabis, dexamfetamine, cocaine and LSD. However amongst genuine political activists (particularly the peace campaigners / feminists etc) the use of drugs was (and maybe still is?) as discouraged as it was seen as a distraction from the political causes, and also ways that could be used to demonise activists as just "junkies".

That said, provided you continue to do well academically and don't get arrested too often or involved in stupid things (which you seem way too intelligent to do) you'll be OK. your parents will still worry if they know you are going to East London as the attacks by gangs on illegal/semi legal "warehouse" parties are now becoming common knowledge as the Met are investigating them and have discussed it with the local papers!

[DaftFader]

you seem to be lucky thqt your parents are as layed back as they seem ... i was also lucky with my parents as both of them are chilled out with what ever .. as long as i am not causing them grief ...
they both uised to squat in the high rise flats just over the road from me ... and have seen some "stuff" .. but they seem to be quite reluctant to let me into that part of there life ... that bit gets hidden away ..b4 hand totaly .. now it's only if i get really nosey i can perswade them to talk about it ...

alot of the older generation can be stuck in a moral dilema if they are your parent .. as on the one hand they may have had simila experiances .. but on the other dont want you to have them because they have seen the possiblilitys of bad things happening and want to protect you.

[pixiegirl]

Parents will always worry about you, no matter how old you get. I've always lived by the rule not to freak them out unnecessarily. I would have never considered giving my parents the bare facts at 16 and quite frankly I doubt they'd have appreciated it if had of done.

My mum knows I go out, all night, and enjoy various forms of dance music. The finer details wouldn't make her life any easier and I know she'd be quite able to ask me what the hell was going on if she was concerned.

I would think twice before giving your parents the unabridged low down. Obviously you know your relationship with them better than anyone but are they likely to be able to happily accept what you tell them or are they going to be worried to death everytime you leave the house at night? If they hate it and clamp down are you going to stop? Is it likely to drive a real wedge between you?


edit: I didn't read the threadfirst so sorry if this now off topic

[hairygrape]

Parents will always worry about you, no matter how old you get. I've always lived by the rule not to freak them out unnecessarily. I would have never considered giving my parents the bare facts at 16 and quite frankly I doubt they'd have appreciated it if had of done.

My mum knows I go out, all night, and enjoy various forms of dance music. The finer details wouldn't make her life any easier and I know she'd be quite able to ask me what the hell was going on if she was concerned.

I would think twice before giving your parents the unabridged low down. Obviously you know your relationship with them better than anyone but are they likely to be able to happily accept what you tell them or are they going to be worried to death everytime you leave the house at night? If they hate it and clamp down are you going to stop? Is it likely to drive a real wedge between you?


edit: I didn't read the threadfirst so sorry if this now off topic

It's not off topic, don't worry.

There are some really good points in the thread so thank you everyone for replying. I'll have a read over them in the near future and decide what to do. Thanks again! :)