Funny Jokes

[GiantMidget]

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.

She said, "The sky is definately blue!"

"I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?"

Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definately green."

"I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "no why?"

Johnny says, "Then I definately Shit my pants!"

:love:

[GiantMidget]

The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi," and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi.

"We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candlemaker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Inland Revenue

"Inland Revenue...?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "The Inland Revenue"

...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"

[starlaugh]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Deirdre.

[GiantMidget]

Snow White was desperate for a fuck
She went to the woods to try her luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up

[GiantMidget]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my bollocks....."

[spark_plug]

whats black white and starving?

jill dandos cat

[spark_plug]

whats brown and drips through the ceiling?

anne frank's diorrea

[MisterDuck]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.


They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.


After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So they buried Deirdre.

Bahahahahahaaaaaaaa

what did the lepor say to the prostitute?
you can keep the tip

[Tank Girl]

whats black white and starving?

jill dandos cat


:laugh_at::laugh_at:that actually made me LOL !!

[DaftFader]

husband askes wife .."can you tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time ?" ....

wife replys " you have the biggest dick in this town"

[lilmstrixta]

Have you herd the one about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.

[GiantMidget]

A king travels through the desert and discovers a man trapped under a big rock. He throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, grateful as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.

The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "It's done." The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens.

Next the king says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal.", the sorcerer replies "It's done". The king, happy as can be, thrusts his sword into his horse and nothing happens.

Finally the king says "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The sorcerer replies "It's done".

The king, overjoyed, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle. At the drawbridge he meets his old friend Peter, jumps off the horse and declares that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the knife." Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal. Keeping the best for last he says "Wait - just look at this" and the king drops his trousers.

Peter looks at the naked king and cries out loud "Well fuck my boots - that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen..."

[Tank Girl]

LOL
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.


They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.


After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So they buried Deirdre.


:laugh_at: :laugh_at: :laugh_at:

[GiantMidget]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[Angel]

Great jokes :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:

[starlaugh]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But, you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolis hed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women can be clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them

[Angel]

Love it ...


:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:

[lilmstrixta]

i love this joke sooooo funny lol

[tarifa]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But, you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolis hed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women can be clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them


:laugh_at: :laugh_at: or put it another way

dont play games with a girl who can play better :wink:

[GiantMidget]

An old Indian Chief sat in his Hogan on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver. Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled ... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[Raj]

RATFLMAO :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:

[GiantMidget]

Need i say more?

[process]

Need i say more?
er... yeah?

[Sini]

"What did the ninja say to the cowboy?"

"HIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAA"

It sucks on so many levels but i had to throw a bad'un in the mix

http://e.vampirefreaks.com/emotes/go.gif

[GiantMidget]

er... yeah?

Bollocks it's meant to say above the picture The male brain hence the "need i say more bit" :wink:

[process]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?"

[GiantMidget]

:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:

[GiantMidget]

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's been popping "E"s!"

[Angel]

:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at: wicked jokes

[process]

100 Penises walk into a bar - the bartender looks at them and says "You gotta lotta balls coming in here"

[Angel]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says,

"How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to
the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward
his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round
sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you
like to play?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Stevie says, "Pick a night."

[Angel]

A biker stops by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 160 Acacia Road?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 176 Acacia Road. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says: "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't pin me to the wall, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Hey lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly pin you up against the wall and do that?

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Angel]

A drunk man smelling strongly of beer sat down on a tube seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest looks at him steadily for a bit, and then replies:

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with dirty prostitutes and a lack of bathing."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised;

"I'm very sorry, my Son, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have
you had the arthritis?"


"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[GiantMidget]

:laugh_at:

[starlaugh]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famous
for?"

A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last white man to be called
Winston!"
_______________________________

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

________________________________

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
The McCartneys
But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find
another woman to fill her shoe?
________________________________

Women eh!

Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, lipo suction,
colonic
irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows
plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets,
exercise and they STILL wont take it up the ar#e cause it 'hurts'.
________________________________

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly
a
plane......
________________________________

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, what's your disability?"
I said "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"
________________________________

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him,
he
can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father of
one
of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
"Fucking hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate
whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"
________________________________

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,
but
when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "
________________________________

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess
darling, I
was a hooker!".

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit
that
I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !".
________________________________

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the
kitchen
floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's
shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and
keep
Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"
________________________________

A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and
sad at
the same time".

His wife replies "You've got a bigger dick than your brother"

[starlaugh]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife

"They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says

the man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE"

[GiantMidget]

Hahaha nice one Starlaugh awesome jokes:laugh_at:

[lilmstrixta]

Bob goes into the public toilets and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor bugger is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Errr, OK, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your prick?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

[GiantMidget]

:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:very good!:wink:

[lilmstrixta]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .














'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

[GiantMidget]

:laugh_at:

[lilmstrixta]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the Blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[GiantMidget]

Keep the blonde jokes coming, I'm gonna email em to my extremely dim blonde friend!:laugh_at:

[lilmstrixta]

this is also quite funny i sent it to the wanna be fameoids in my office this afternoon http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=7uSlqI1AVUk

[GiantMidget]

this is also quite funny i sent it to the wanna be fameoids in my office this afternoon http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=7uSlqI1AVUk

Haha that was well funny. good song as well! :laugh_at:

[lilmstrixta]

Leaving Work Early!

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left they would leave right behind her. After all she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout and a spa before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom door she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quitely she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss. Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day at their coffee break the redhead and the brunette planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going with them.

"No way!" the blonde exclaimed. I almost got caught yesterday http://site.htid.co.uk/modules/Forums/images/smiles/icon_exclaim.gif

[lilmstrixta]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible" he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..


"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[process]

Three blonds are on an island and they find a lamp, rub it, and a genie pops out.

He says he'll give each of them one wish.The first blond says "I wish I were twice as smart as I am now so I can figure out a way off this island" The genie turns her into a redhead, she builds a raft, and floats off the island.

The second blond says "I wish I were ten times as smart as I am now, so I can figure out a way off this island."The genie turns her into a brunette, she builds a plane, and flies off the island.
The third blond says "I wish I were a hundred times as smart as I am now, so I can figure a way off this island" The genie turns her into a man and he takes the bridge.

[process]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escape from prison. Followed by the police, they scramble into a barn and hide in some burlap sacks.

When the cops burst in, they kick the first sack and the brunette says "Meow." The cops just think there's a cat in the bag.

They kick the second bag and the redhead says "Ruff Ruff." The cops think there's a dog in the bag.

They kick the third bag and the blond says "POTATO."

[josh07]

A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her doctor.
Doctor: "What is your dream about?"
Blonde: "I am being chased by a vampire..."
Doctor: "So, where are you in this dream?"
Blonde: "I am running in a hallway."
Doctor: "Then what happens?"
Blonde: "Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!"
Doctor: "Does the door have any letters on it?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Doctor: "And what do these letter spell?"
Blonde: "P... U... L... L..."

[sawa1600]

hahahahaha


so funny thanks :weee:

[MisterDuck]

Three blonds are on an island and they find a lamp, rub it, and a genie pops out.

He says he'll give each of them one wish.The first blond says "I wish I were twice as smart as I am now so I can figure out a way off this island" The genie turns her into a redhead, she builds a raft, and floats off the island.

The second blond says "I wish I were ten times as smart as I am now, so I can figure out a way off this island."The genie turns her into a brunette, she builds a plane, and flies off the island.
The third blond says "I wish I were a hundred times as smart as I am now, so I can figure a way off this island" The genie turns her into a man and he takes the bridge.

hahahahaaaaaa

[GiantMidget]

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

[GiantMidget]

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven." Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbour's dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."

The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"

She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down main street!" The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.

The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so terribly funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I pissed in the holy water..."

[process]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[process]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California. A new BMW appeared out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,

RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers , 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resol ution page.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That 's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a Herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog

[josh07]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California. A new BMW appeared out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,

RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers , 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resol ution page.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That 's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a Herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog

haha thats a good un

[GiantMidget]

A 94 year old chap is tending to his front garden when he sees a frog. The frog says to him "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess, you can do what you want with me and I'll be your sex slave forever".

So the guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog says "Didn't you hear me? I said if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess, you can do what you want with me and I'll be your sex slave forever".

"At my age?" says the guy, "I'd rather have a talking frog".

[Raj]

:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:

[GiantMidget]

A woman went to the doctor and asked his help to revive her man's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagara?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" she said, "he won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem" replied the doctor, "drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later she returned to the doctor and the doctor inquired as to how things went.
"Oh it was horrible, just terrible, doctor."
"What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my knickers off and slipped me a length over the table. It was terrible."
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in MacDonalds again."

[GiantMidget]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it,he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.
It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You bastard!
You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.

Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"

[Angel]

LMAO :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:

[GiantMidget]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants....

[MisterDuck]

hahaha keep em comin!

[GiantMidget]

40 gypsies die in a horrific caravan fire and get sent up to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets them and says "I've only got room for 12, so I'll give you 5 minutes to decide amongst yourselves which ones are going to stay.............

5 minutes later, St. Peter is talking to God.. "Fucking hell, they've gone!", he says.

God replies, "What, all 40?"

"No, the fucking gates!"

[GiantMidget]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the
driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.


"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.


Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)


"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.


"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimd," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."


"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,

"What makes you think it's God?"


Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

[GiantMidget]

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what are you going to do do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the pilot, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big dump.....after which, I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... and then after dinner and a few drinks, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

[GiantMidget]

A group of scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

...and had to sit down while urinating.

[GiantMidget]

A man walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. "I want to see the cocksucking motherfucking boss now!". Naturally the waiter is a bit taken aback and says:"Would you please refrain from from using that kind of language in here sir. I'll get the manager as soon as I can."

When the manager comes over the bloke greets him with:" Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastarding joint?"
"Yes sir I am but I would prefer it if you did not use that kind of language in this restaurant. There are respectable guests dining here."
The bloke retorts:"Screw you anus features. Where's the fucking piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and the asks the man to explain himself.
"You stupid smelly dickhead are you fucking deaf or what? Where's the twatting piano?"
"Ah", says the manager, "you've come about the pianist job we advertised in the paper."
"Too fucking right", came the reply.
The manager takes him over to the piano but begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?"
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's superb", gasps the manager. "What's it called?"
"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob-end"
The manager is a little perturbed. "Hmmm....well do you know any jazz?"
The man plays the most melancholy piece of jazz the manager has ever heard.
"What's it called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer".
The manager is now a tad embarrassed. "Well do you know any romantic ballads?"
The bloke plays the most heart wrenching melody ever. "That was fantastic", crooned the manager. "What's that one called?", immediately wishing that he hadn't asked.
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece".

The manager finds the pianist's language totally repulsive but he is so moved by his music that he hires him on condition that he never introduces his songs. He agrees, and the arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks. Until one night when the pianist sneaks off for a wank. He nips off to the staff toilets, grits his teeth and starts buffing his banana. Just as he is coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that pianist". So he whips up his trousers and returns to the piano and starts to play some more tunes.

After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers: "Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling come all over your shoes?"

"Know it", replied the pianist, "I fucking wrote it!!"

[GiantMidget]

Dave walks into the bar and sees his mate Jeff huddled on the bar, depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff what's wrong.
"Well," replies Jeff, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got a hard on every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a smile.
"Well," says Jeff, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I was worried I'd get a stiffy again. So I got some sellotape and taped my dick to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible." says Dave.
"So I get to her door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell. And she answered it in the shortest skirt you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Jeff huddles over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

[Raj]

A group of scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

...and had to sit down while urinating.

PMSL :laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:

[DaftFader]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it,he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.
It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You bastard!
You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.

Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"


hahahaha n1:laugh_at:

[starlaugh]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

[Angel]

:laugh_at::laugh_at::laugh_at:

[Angel]

How do you make her scream during sex?
Stop and wipe your dick on the curtains!




What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.




Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.




Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.




That's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.




Sorry :shy: