Mid Winter Blues or Depression

[JonnyQuest]

Originally posted by General Lighting

OK if you live there you may need to make the most of your surroundings and deal with what is happening in your ends just to survive but its good to get out sometimes...

iv had my fair share of knives pulled on me and iv had to part ways with a phone or 2 (i carry an old nokia as a decoy nowadays) but to be honest i wouldnt have wanted to grow up anywhere but south east london iv moved around a little been in afew places around south east london and i like it here, yeh it might be more dangerous than other places and yeh it might be poorer than other places but homes home and i feel at home walking down the shitty old highstreets in the run down areas watching the firday night fights from silly chavs in bromley, or riding the nightbus home from central london and just watching all the shitty towns roll past, SAFF EAST LANDAN FOR LIFE

[mudstomper]

Originally posted by General Lighting

I still laugh at some of the things you were telling me about at that gathering...

(have you still got the pic of a certain local acid techno DJ sparked out in your toilet?)

I have indeed, in fact I need them as proof as he doesn't believe a word of it

[Raj]

I sometimes find that giving that highly critical voice a high pitched squeaky voice and saying what its saying out loud takes the credibility away from it as it sounds so silly I cant take it seriously any more

Bizarrely gardening works for me [as long as I am not mowing the f'ing lawn] as I go into a trance like state so I do that too cos the voice cant reach me there.

[mudstomper]

Originally posted by Raj

I sometimes find that giving that highly critical voice a high pitched squeaky voice and saying what its saying out loud takes the credibility away from it as it sounds so silly I cant take it seriously any more

Bizarrely gardening works for me [as long as I am not mowing the f'ing lawn] as I go into a trance like state so I do that too cos the voice cant reach me there.

Think that's the key when you're well enough to find tricks and techniques to regain control of that voice, martial arts and drumming have always been two of mine, both of which I've been slack about taking up again. When I really needed help was when it was completely in control even to the point of finding negative aspects to trying to get help (you would look for sympathy you snivelling little fuck etc), eventually I dragged myself to the doctors, was entirely honest about my drug use etc which meant they didn't want me to go down that route (not a bad thing in ways) but explained that any counselling would cost unfortunatly, I got one interview with a CPN who basically that one or two of the events in my life would have been enough to twist most people out of shape and that counselling was key, but, I couldn't afford it, I was at college so I soldiered on which eventually led to a complete physical and mental breakdown for a while. I failed college but gradually I got work in IT anyway and life did get better bit by bit....

[Raj]

Originally posted by mudstomper

Think that's the key when you're well enough to find tricks and techniques to regain control of that voice, martial arts and drumming have always been two of mine, both of which I've been slack about taking up again. When I really needed help was when it was completely in control even to the point of finding negative aspects to trying to get help (you would look for sympathy you snivelling little fuck etc), eventually I dragged myself to the doctors, was entirely honest about my drug use etc which meant they didn't want me to go down that route (not a bad thing in ways) but explained that any counselling would cost unfortunatly, I got one interview with a CPN who basically that one or two of the events in my life would have been enough to twist most people out of shape and that counselling was key, but, I couldn't afford it, I was at college so I soldiered on which eventually led to a complete physical and mental breakdown for a while. I failed college but gradually I got work in IT anyway and life did get better bit by bit....

[Raj]

I always find this time of year particularly hard - my family are sitting at home bored and seem to feel that its their right to tell me I am screwing up/underperforming in their opinion. Especially when I ring to say thank you for presents
They dont seem to realise that when I am already depressed is not when I need to be told they think I am screwing up - the day to day stuff is bad enough without the extra pressure.

In fact they have managed to push me into a huge black hole and I am really struggling with it to be honest. I feel useless and worthless and they have achieved that in 15 minutes of conversation Intellectually I know thats bullshit but thats how they have made me feel [again]. I am just sitting here wondering why I bother

[Angel]

You're not worthless or useless

Your one of the kindest ,warmest and most caring people I have ever met..

Don't listen to your family sweetie..

It's them who's missing out by pushing you away


Your a wonderful person

And I'll keep telling you that until you believe me one day

[Tank Girl]

this is 3rd time lucky as keep getting logged out - so here goes

Raj :
family seem to have a special knack of knowing exactley the wrong words to say and can break your spirit (in my personal experience) so easily and often without even realiseing how damageing they are being.....
I dont personally know you but from what I see and read on PV makes me want to, I see a kind careing, compassionate, intellegent and empathatic person, who despite their own problems takes time out to upport, guide and listen to others, ~I dont want to come across as sicophantic (?sp) I just wanted you to know...
its easy me writing this but the hard bit is you HEARING it

look after yourself

[tarifa]

[General Lighting]

Originally posted by Raj

I always find this time of year particularly hard - my family are sitting at home bored and seem to feel that its their right to tell me I am screwing up/underperforming in their opinion. Especially when I ring to say thank you for presents
They dont seem to realise that when I am already depressed is not when I need to be told they think I am screwing up - the day to day stuff is bad enough without the extra pressure.

TBH you are an extremely high achiever compared to many others in your country or the UK as a whole..

As TG says I think families just pile on the pressure without knowing it; it took until my thirties and the death of my father (and a lot of his illness IMO was also due to the stress and anger in his life wrecking his physical health) before my own family stopped doing this.

I don't think "normal society" actually realises how ruthless and competitive life has become (or maybe they don't care and/or accept this as part of life) and its even harder for anyone who trys to go "outside the system" so we need to support one another.

[globalloon]

i wrote a long reply and lost it

suffice to say, excellent thread, Raj. thank you for researching all that. it is all particularly relevant at this time of year.

and i have been somewhere similar to where you are now... one of the most important things, in my experience, is to talk to friends and those close to you about how you are feeling when you are low.

[Raj]

Thanks guys

I called someone who came round and talked me through that patch. That was a great help and talking has helped me get a clearer perspective on some of the things that are bothering me. It doesnt solve the problems but they dont seem so damn huge now which is nice. An unexpected visit from a friend and some long chats with others and I feel almost normal again.

@TG family can be a right pain. My family may mean well but the road to hell is paved with good intentions and they are getting there fast. I wont allow them to do what they did to me and my brother to our kids

[DIONYSUS]

compared to these problems mine are pretty small the main thing is 2 of my bestfriends b/f and g/f have left to move to Aus. not sure if ill ever see them again and it has done my head in. It was there leaving do on fri, which was alright, but it was in a club so didnt really get to speak much. I had an emotional good bye, but as your in a club you cant really talk properly and you aways think of stuff you should have said after the time in question. Anyway i didnt think it would effect me so bad, but i woke up yesterday crying and spent most of the day doing the same. And today i cant stop thinkin about them and other stuff.
its rubbish they are going cause they are the ones i can easily talk to about this sort of stuff and they have really been there for me in the past when the shit has hit the fan.
Not sure if writing this has made me feel any better or worse.

[Angel]

Saying good bye to friends is really hard..

[DIONYSUS]

Originally posted by Angel

Saying good bye to friends is really hard..

thanks angel.

dont suppose you can draw can you? (see my poll question in the chat forum if you dont know why im asking...)

[Raj]

Hey folks

Still here and getting better slowly but surely :)

I tried three kinds of antidepressant before my GP and I found some that really worked for me but work they do

Now I find it appalling how badly depresssed I was a few months back and that I hadnt noticed myself sliding into that depression. Everything had gotten on top of me [just cleared out 5 months of unopened post which I had been avoiding ] [ last week it was the piles of random shite I had stacked about in my bedroom because I hadnt put them away ]
The thing is that recovery from depression that bad is going to take me a while and so is sorting out the mess I have allowed to accumulate in that time in my life.

How are all of you doing?

[lilmstrixta]

hey glad to hear your feeling better, i am in the process of beeing weened off my anti depressants has been a long process getting better but i am final happy with my life. i had a mental past 5 years im just thankfull i am coming out of it now.

[Raj]

Originally posted by lilmstrixta

hey glad to hear your feeling better, i am in the process of beeing weened off my anti depressants has been a long process getting better but i am final happy with my life. i had a mental past 5 years im just thankfull i am coming out of it now.

Glad to hear it and gently does it

[Raj]

Amazing to look back now and see where I had got to not a good place...

The daylight is coming back now and that helps a lot. Still taking the tablets though as I dont feel 100%.

How is everyone else?

[Raj]

Another useful phone number:

0800 83 85 87 for an organisation called breathing space based in Scotland

http://www.breathingspacescotland.co.uk/

Part of the national strategy and action plan to prevent suicide in Scotland

[Dom_sufc]

I was going to write a long reply about my experience. Over the last year I thought I was getting somewhere again, well, for the first time really. But over the last few months Ive felt myself slowly slipping back. Sometimes the fear of being depressed again is enough to get you down ironically.

Over the last few weeks its been particularly stressful that some of you might know but that added with what already was bothering me is starting to make me feel really shit again.

Its times like these where I wonder if im destined to be up and down all my life, and if I will ever be truly happy in myself. Fuck, id settle to feel even content consistently.

Its strange how I have alot of things I always wanted when I was depressed before, but now I see how true the saying goes "the grass is always greener on the other side". I hang around with different people, i have loads of different friends and do loads more Interesting things. Yet now I feel even more lonely than before. I hate feeling sorry for myself, and I dont think im depressed again, im just very wary of going back to that dark place...

I wonder to myself If I will feel like this In a years time If I succeed In getting the things I want from life at the minute, and If I will have to start again with a new set of desires and needs. I know people have ups and downs but like I say, I dont want to fall into that hole again. Already Im noticing the early stages like from before, but obviously Im more aware now. Ive been burying my head In the sand and have managed to rack up 4 digit debts in the last month or so, Im fucking off my mates because I just dont give a fuck, or im getting wasted for the only reason to feel different to this now. I have no job and Im loosing the will to actually give a shit, although Ive taken some steps...

One major thing I know now though and understand, Is that depression is all about perception. Alot of the time not alot changes in your life, only your views towards things. Even if things have to change, things you might not necessarily be able to help, you need to think about your perception of the situation.

Its funny how I understand most of the thought process from when I was depressed before. Counselling helped alot, although it took a few different counsellors to find a good one. Even then though I had to work hard myself to understand. Its like been given an answer to a difficult sum on paper; you still need to understand how they got to that answer.

I think the biggest factor though to help these Is having someone to actually talk to. I think thats the biggest problem for me. I have a massive circle of friends, but none I connect with really. Even some who know alot about me or have helped me before, I still dont really feel anyone knows me, even if they do know deep things about me. How can you solve a problem like that? And If Im really honest, It would solve alot of my problems. Like I say, its about perception. Other things can be solved easily when you are in the right mood to do It.

I dont want sympathy or anything like that, Ive got a strong mind. I just like a ramble sometimes, and Its nice to get things off your chest.

It seems strange to me too how Id rather post this here, than actually tell anyone I know in daily life. Maybe because me revealing this wont actually influence my daily life, and I dont have to be around you folks knowing you know this, and you thinking you might have to act different.

Hmm, maybe I think too much too ;)

PS: Im sober & drug free today before It gets put down to that

Sorry this hasn't actually been much help to anyone thats feeling depressed, I hope I haven't made you pessimistic. Even if some of us are sat on a mental rollar coaster destined to go up and down, there is one thing for sure: if you are feeling anything but great, then you will definitely feel better soon

[Dom_sufc]

Im actually astonished at the number of views for this thread

[Tank Girl]

Thanks for shareing,
you sound as if you have a lot of insight into what has gone on / is going on for you, the difficulty is change..

and maybe - as you say - thats why you posted on here - as we dont actually know you and can react to you and your posts in a different way than prehapps your family and friends can -

and sometimes its just good to get things off your chest and ventilate your feelings - without necessarily getting the answer...

You seem to have identified your on a downward spiral -

I dont know what the answer is -

it might sort its self out with you just changing things on a day to day basis, you may need to talk to your GP about anti depressants (to stabilise your mood or 'pick you up enough' to be able to get things moving) you may want to re-investigate councelling,
but dont think others will think your 'moaning' or wanting 'sympathy' loads of us have been here and its comforting to know your not alone when it can feel a realy isolating place to be in, you dont have to justify your emotions


but to be really frank in my experience when things are like this the best thing to do is to lay off the substances for a while (as you've said you've done) as you cant assess your own mental health / state if your on something - to know whats what - as some of it could be a combination of your mood and the come down / effect of the substance and again in my experience they can just prolong the problem when it comes to low mood etc, althought in the immediate they can feel as if they're helping... which I'm sure your aware of

let us know how you get on, and always know there are people here to listen - we may not be able to help but we are here

[Raj]

Originally posted by Dom_sufc

I was going to write a long reply about my experience. Over the last year I thought I was getting somewhere again, well, for the first time really. But over the last few months Ive felt myself slowly slipping back. Sometimes the fear of being depressed again is enough to get you down ironically.

It sure is - especially when we have been fighting it for a while.

Over the last few weeks its been particularly stressful that some of you might know but that added with what already was bothering me is starting to make me feel really shit again.

Its times like these where I wonder if im destined to be up and down all my life, and if I will ever be truly happy in myself. Fuck, id settle to feel even content consistently.

Its strange how I have alot of things I always wanted when I was depressed before, but now I see how true the saying goes "the grass is always greener on the other side". I hang around with different people, i have loads of different friends and do loads more Interesting things. Yet now I feel even more lonely than before. I hate feeling sorry for myself, and I dont think im depressed again, im just very wary of going back to that dark place...

Humans are creatures of contrasts - we dont really appreciate the good times without something to compare them to. Having said that you dont want to become too involved in worrying about getting depressed again as its not a good thing. I have different friends too now [ I have had to let some people go because they were screwing with my head] and I try to surround myself with optimists who live in the moment if I get a choice - the folks with a 'can-do' attitude.

I wonder to myself If I will feel like this In a years time If I succeed In getting the things I want from life at the minute, and If I will have to start again with a new set of desires and needs. I know people have ups and downs but like I say, I dont want to fall into that hole again. Already Im noticing the early stages like from before, but obviously Im more aware now. Ive been burying my head In the sand and have managed to rack up 4 digit debts in the last month or so, Im fucking off my mates because I just dont give a fuck, or im getting wasted for the only reason to feel different to this now. I have no job and Im loosing the will to actually give a shit, although Ive taken some steps...

Hiding from the problem doesnt help us solve it but it seems such an easy option when nothing seems to be going right.Been there myself and my advice is to deal now before it all gets well out of hand - which is what you say you are doing so well done mate.

One major thing I know now though and understand, Is that depression is all about perception. Alot of the time not alot changes in your life, only your views towards things. Even if things have to change, things you might not necessarily be able to help, you need to think about your perception of the situation.

Its funny how I understand most of the thought process from when I was depressed before. Counselling helped alot, although it took a few different counsellors to find a good one. Even then though I had to work hard myself to understand. Its like been given an answer to a difficult sum on paper; you still need to understand how they got to that answer.

I think the biggest factor though to help these Is having someone to actually talk to. I think thats the biggest problem for me. I have a massive circle of friends, but none I connect with really. Even some who know alot about me or have helped me before, I still dont really feel anyone knows me, even if they do know deep things about me. How can you solve a problem like that? And If Im really honest, It would solve alot of my problems. Like I say, its about perception. Other things can be solved easily when you are in the right mood to do It.

Its a lot about perception - is the glass half empty or half full?
Our minds are incessantly chattering things which thrive on pointless minutiae and need to learn to shut up instead of rambling on [you know the kind of thing - that person is looking at me funny; so - and -so is ignoring me - what have i done? why does this always happen to me? That person may be staring into space [just happens to include you],so-and so is having a seriously bad day and so self involved a bear could walk up to them and they wouldnt notice; the last one is a filters issue.
There is no way we are the only people to whom something bad happens but we get so bogged down in our stress that we forget this. We only pay attention to the things which reinforce our point of view and everything else gets ignored as bad data I needed to learn to refocus on the good things and ignore the bad ones - sounds like you could do with that too. It was brought home to me forcefully the other day when someone said to me 'you are back to being a glass half full person - well done'

I dont want sympathy or anything like that, Ive got a strong mind. I just like a ramble sometimes, and Its nice to get things off your chest.

It seems strange to me too how Id rather post this here, than actually tell anyone I know in daily life. Maybe because me revealing this wont actually influence my daily life, and I dont have to be around you folks knowing you know this, and you thinking you might have to act different.

Hmm, maybe I think too much too ;)

PS: Im sober & drug free today before It gets put down to that

Sorry this hasn't actually been much help to anyone thats feeling depressed, I hope I haven't made you pessimistic. Even if some of us are sat on a mental rollar coaster destined to go up and down, there is one thing for sure: if you are feeling anything but great, then you will definitely feel better soon

Speaking for myself I find your post helpful rather than depressing and I hope you get back on track to where you want to be. Have you considered giving some of your time to a charity to help others out btw? thats always a great way of getting a feel good factor back

[Dom_sufc]

Thanks for your time, you two.

Feeling slightly more optimistic today, although things are still bothering me. I think once Ive sorted out this cash problem, and sorted out a job - things will start to look a bit better.

I think you are right about the substances TG... I never like to admit it, but sometimes comedowns hit me ALOT harder these days, especially when Ive got worries In every day life. Sometimes they are comparable to when I was depressed, something that doesn't seem worth one good weekend, for 3 days worth of being down ... The next few weeks I think I'll just get shitfaced, and avoid the uppers :D Cost too much partying anything but local anyway.

Now for my opinion on anti-depressants. I took them for around I year I think. 20mg of prozac if that sounds right. I found after a few months things picked up alot, but after a while my emotions seemed muffled. This was a good thing though, because I was having really bad mood swings from complete depression, to extreme anger - I mean anger like Id never felt before or even since. They gave me time to think more about how I should react to things and gave me the neutral mindedness to make an emotion based on rationality, rather than automatic thoughts.

After quite a long time though, i decided to take myself off them, and I stopped seeing the councillor off my own back. It is advised you lower the dose and what not, but I think I was at an Important stage where I felt I was taking back control myself, and I was on a roll. So fuck the pills and the doctors ;)

I think really another important thing with depression, is to be able to trust yourself enough to know you're not just feeling down, or that you're DEFINITELY not being weak minded. The quicker you go to the doctors and start getting help medicinally and counselling wise, the quicker you can start to get sorted.

Although you might think this is a really unlucky thing to happen to you, just know that when It sorted out, you will have a very strong mind, and alot better understanding of how your mind works. Once you are truly recovered, which may take quite along time to get your confidence back (Im not sure Im even there) I believe you'll be able to live through any life challenge ;)

I do feel slightly daft, because I do feel quite a bit better today. If Im honest I put myself through some really heavy weekends. Ironic how such good times can have such bad after affects! Dont do drugs kids