Funny Jokes

[DJCliffy]

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.

She said, "The sky is definately blue!"

"I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?"

Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definately green."

"I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "no why?"

Johnny says, "Then I definately Shit my pants!"

[DJCliffy]

The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi," and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi.

"We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candlemaker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Inland Revenue

"Inland Revenue...?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "The Inland Revenue"

...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"

[starlaugh]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Deirdre.

[DJCliffy]

Snow White was desperate for a fuck
She went to the woods to try her luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up

[DJCliffy]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my bollocks....."

[spark_plug]

whats black white and starving?

jill dandos cat

[spark_plug]

whats brown and drips through the ceiling?

anne frank's diorrea

[MisterDuck]

Originally posted by starlaugh

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.


They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.


After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So they buried Deirdre.

Bahahahahahaaaaaaaa

what did the lepor say to the prostitute?
you can keep the tip

[Tank Girl]

Originally posted by spark_plug

whats black white and starving?

jill dandos cat

that actually made me LOL !!

[DaftFader]

husband askes wife .."can you tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time ?" ....

wife replys " you have the biggest dick in this town"

[lilmstrixta]

Have you herd the one about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.

[DJCliffy]

A king travels through the desert and discovers a man trapped under a big rock. He throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, grateful as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.

The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "It's done." The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens.

Next the king says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal.", the sorcerer replies "It's done". The king, happy as can be, thrusts his sword into his horse and nothing happens.

Finally the king says "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The sorcerer replies "It's done".

The king, overjoyed, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle. At the drawbridge he meets his old friend Peter, jumps off the horse and declares that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the knife." Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal. Keeping the best for last he says "Wait - just look at this" and the king drops his trousers.

Peter looks at the naked king and cries out loud "Well fuck my boots - that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen..."

[Tank Girl]

LOL

Originally posted by starlaugh

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.


They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.


After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So they buried Deirdre.

[DJCliffy]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[Angel]

Great jokes

[starlaugh]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But, you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolis hed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women can be clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them

[Angel]

Love it ...

[lilmstrixta]

i love this joke sooooo funny lol

[tarifa]

Originally posted by starlaugh

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But, you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolis hed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women can be clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them

or put it another way

dont play games with a girl who can play better

[DJCliffy]

An old Indian Chief sat in his Hogan on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver. Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled ... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[Raj]

RATFLMAO

[DJCliffy]

Need i say more?

[DIONYSUS]

Originally posted by DJCliffy

Need i say more?

er... yeah?

[Sini]

"What did the ninja say to the cowboy?"

"HIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAA"

It sucks on so many levels but i had to throw a bad'un in the mix

[DJCliffy]

Originally posted by djprocess

er... yeah?

Bollocks it's meant to say above the picture The male brain hence the "need i say more bit"