Funny Jokes

[sawa1600]

hahahahaha


so funny thanks

[MisterDuck]

Originally posted by djprocess

Three blonds are on an island and they find a lamp, rub it, and a genie pops out.

He says he'll give each of them one wish.The first blond says "I wish I were twice as smart as I am now so I can figure out a way off this island" The genie turns her into a redhead, she builds a raft, and floats off the island.

The second blond says "I wish I were ten times as smart as I am now, so I can figure out a way off this island."The genie turns her into a brunette, she builds a plane, and flies off the island.
The third blond says "I wish I were a hundred times as smart as I am now, so I can figure a way off this island" The genie turns her into a man and he takes the bridge.

hahahahaaaaaa

[DJCliffy]

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

[DJCliffy]

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven." Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbour's dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."

The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"

She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down main street!" The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.

The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so terribly funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I pissed in the holy water..."

[DIONYSUS]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[DIONYSUS]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California. A new BMW appeared out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,

RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers , 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resol ution page.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That 's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a Herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog

[josh07]

Originally posted by djprocess

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California. A new BMW appeared out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,

RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers , 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resol ution page.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That 's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a Herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog

haha thats a good un

[DJCliffy]

A 94 year old chap is tending to his front garden when he sees a frog. The frog says to him "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess, you can do what you want with me and I'll be your sex slave forever".

So the guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog says "Didn't you hear me? I said if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess, you can do what you want with me and I'll be your sex slave forever".

"At my age?" says the guy, "I'd rather have a talking frog".

[Raj]

[DJCliffy]

A woman went to the doctor and asked his help to revive her man's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagara?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" she said, "he won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem" replied the doctor, "drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later she returned to the doctor and the doctor inquired as to how things went.
"Oh it was horrible, just terrible, doctor."
"What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my knickers off and slipped me a length over the table. It was terrible."
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in MacDonalds again."

[DJCliffy]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it,he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.
It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You bastard!
You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.

Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"

[Angel]

LMAO

[DJCliffy]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants....

[MisterDuck]

hahaha keep em comin!

[DJCliffy]

40 gypsies die in a horrific caravan fire and get sent up to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets them and says "I've only got room for 12, so I'll give you 5 minutes to decide amongst yourselves which ones are going to stay.............

5 minutes later, St. Peter is talking to God.. "Fucking hell, they've gone!", he says.

God replies, "What, all 40?"

"No, the fucking gates!"

[DJCliffy]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the
driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.


"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.


Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)


"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.


"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimd," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."


"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,

"What makes you think it's God?"


Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

[DJCliffy]

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what are you going to do do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the pilot, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big dump.....after which, I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... and then after dinner and a few drinks, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

[DJCliffy]

A group of scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

...and had to sit down while urinating.

[DJCliffy]

A man walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. "I want to see the cocksucking motherfucking boss now!". Naturally the waiter is a bit taken aback and says:"Would you please refrain from from using that kind of language in here sir. I'll get the manager as soon as I can."

When the manager comes over the bloke greets him with:" Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastarding joint?"
"Yes sir I am but I would prefer it if you did not use that kind of language in this restaurant. There are respectable guests dining here."
The bloke retorts:"Screw you anus features. Where's the fucking piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and the asks the man to explain himself.
"You stupid smelly dickhead are you fucking deaf or what? Where's the twatting piano?"
"Ah", says the manager, "you've come about the pianist job we advertised in the paper."
"Too fucking right", came the reply.
The manager takes him over to the piano but begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?"
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's superb", gasps the manager. "What's it called?"
"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob-end"
The manager is a little perturbed. "Hmmm....well do you know any jazz?"
The man plays the most melancholy piece of jazz the manager has ever heard.
"What's it called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer".
The manager is now a tad embarrassed. "Well do you know any romantic ballads?"
The bloke plays the most heart wrenching melody ever. "That was fantastic", crooned the manager. "What's that one called?", immediately wishing that he hadn't asked.
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece".

The manager finds the pianist's language totally repulsive but he is so moved by his music that he hires him on condition that he never introduces his songs. He agrees, and the arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks. Until one night when the pianist sneaks off for a wank. He nips off to the staff toilets, grits his teeth and starts buffing his banana. Just as he is coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that pianist". So he whips up his trousers and returns to the piano and starts to play some more tunes.

After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers: "Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling come all over your shoes?"

"Know it", replied the pianist, "I fucking wrote it!!"

[DJCliffy]

Dave walks into the bar and sees his mate Jeff huddled on the bar, depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff what's wrong.
"Well," replies Jeff, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got a hard on every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a smile.
"Well," says Jeff, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I was worried I'd get a stiffy again. So I got some sellotape and taped my dick to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible." says Dave.
"So I get to her door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell. And she answered it in the shortest skirt you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Jeff huddles over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

[Raj]

Originally posted by DJCliffy

A group of scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

...and had to sit down while urinating.

PMSL

[DaftFader]

Originally posted by DJCliffy

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it,he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.
It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You bastard!
You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.

Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"

hahahaha n1

[starlaugh]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

[Angel]

[Angel]

How do you make her scream during sex?
Stop and wipe your dick on the curtains!




What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.




Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.




Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.




That's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.




Sorry