Funny Jokes

[DIONYSUS]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?"

[DJCliffy]

[DJCliffy]

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's been popping "E"s!"

[Angel]

wicked jokes

[DIONYSUS]

100 Penises walk into a bar - the bartender looks at them and says "You gotta lotta balls coming in here"

[Angel]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says,

"How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to
the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward
his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round
sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you
like to play?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Stevie says, "Pick a night."

[Angel]

A biker stops by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 160 Acacia Road?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 176 Acacia Road. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says: "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't pin me to the wall, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Hey lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly pin you up against the wall and do that?

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Angel]

A drunk man smelling strongly of beer sat down on a tube seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest looks at him steadily for a bit, and then replies:

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with dirty prostitutes and a lack of bathing."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised;

"I'm very sorry, my Son, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have
you had the arthritis?"


"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[DJCliffy]

[starlaugh]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill famous
for?"

A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last white man to be called
Winston!"
_______________________________

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

________________________________

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
The McCartneys
But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever find
another woman to fill her shoe?
________________________________

Women eh!

Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, lipo suction,
colonic
irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows
plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets,
exercise and they STILL wont take it up the ar#e cause it 'hurts'.
________________________________

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly
a
plane......
________________________________

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, what's your disability?"
I said "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"
________________________________

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him,
he
can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father of
one
of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
"Fucking hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate
whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"
________________________________

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,
but
when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "
________________________________

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess
darling, I
was a hooker!".

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit
that
I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !".
________________________________

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the
kitchen
floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's
shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and
keep
Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"
________________________________

A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and
sad at
the same time".

His wife replies "You've got a bigger dick than your brother"

[starlaugh]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife

"They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says

the man replies... "SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE"

[DJCliffy]

Hahaha nice one Starlaugh awesome jokes

[lilmstrixta]

Bob goes into the public toilets and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor bugger is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Errr, OK, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your prick?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

[DJCliffy]

very good!

[lilmstrixta]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .














'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

[DJCliffy]

[lilmstrixta]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the Blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[DJCliffy]

Keep the blonde jokes coming, I'm gonna email em to my extremely dim blonde friend!

[lilmstrixta]

this is also quite funny i sent it to the wanna be fameoids in my office this afternoon http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=7uSlqI1AVUk

[DJCliffy]

Originally posted by lilmstrixta

this is also quite funny i sent it to the wanna be fameoids in my office this afternoon http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=7uSlqI1AVUk

Haha that was well funny. good song as well!

[lilmstrixta]

Leaving Work Early!

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left they would leave right behind her. After all she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout and a spa before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom door she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quitely she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss. Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day at their coffee break the redhead and the brunette planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going with them.

"No way!" the blonde exclaimed. I almost got caught yesterday

[lilmstrixta]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible" he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..


"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[DIONYSUS]

Three blonds are on an island and they find a lamp, rub it, and a genie pops out.

He says he'll give each of them one wish.The first blond says "I wish I were twice as smart as I am now so I can figure out a way off this island" The genie turns her into a redhead, she builds a raft, and floats off the island.

The second blond says "I wish I were ten times as smart as I am now, so I can figure out a way off this island."The genie turns her into a brunette, she builds a plane, and flies off the island.
The third blond says "I wish I were a hundred times as smart as I am now, so I can figure a way off this island" The genie turns her into a man and he takes the bridge.

[DIONYSUS]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escape from prison. Followed by the police, they scramble into a barn and hide in some burlap sacks.

When the cops burst in, they kick the first sack and the brunette says "Meow." The cops just think there's a cat in the bag.

They kick the second bag and the redhead says "Ruff Ruff." The cops think there's a dog in the bag.

They kick the third bag and the blond says "POTATO."

[josh07]

A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her doctor.
Doctor: "What is your dream about?"
Blonde: "I am being chased by a vampire..."
Doctor: "So, where are you in this dream?"
Blonde: "I am running in a hallway."
Doctor: "Then what happens?"
Blonde: "Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!"
Doctor: "Does the door have any letters on it?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Doctor: "And what do these letter spell?"
Blonde: "P... U... L... L..."