Party Vibe - Jokes & Humour

How to Give a Cat A Pill

DJCliffy — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:10:47 GMT

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

The birth of Psyduck

Buzz — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 11:02:52 GMT

after some intense research by p0ly and me, we have made an interesting discovery.

funny girls

Kimberly — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:59:05 GMT

It's fucking annoying - Annoying Bar Bartender Giggling Girls Laugh Video - bendecho :laugh_at:

I walked past a mental home today ...

DaftFader — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 20:39:43 GMT

I walked past a mental home today and could hear them all shouting 13..13..13..13....

I wanted to know what was goin on, so I looked through a hole in the fence, some prick poked me in the eye and they all shouted 14..14..14 !

Best facebook group ever!

DaftFader — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:02:57 GMT

"When I played Tomb Raider, I locked the butler in the freezer"

Login | Facebook

:love::laugh_at:

UK : SE : Reading's ASBO cats

General Lighting — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 14:06:25 GMT

They don't seem to be much worse than my own pet cats I had in Reading, I would have rehomed them if I still lived there! seems a shame they have to be locked up but I suppose if they are robbing other cats of their food (its also seems from the tone of the article they are bullying dogs as well!) and busting into other folks houses that must be why..

Attached Thumbnails

Wonka: Drug Baron

DJCliffy — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:52:06 GMT

MY : F**K TNB Malaysia

General Lighting — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:28:27 GMT

This Chinese dude was making music on his computer, when all the electricity got cut off to the city. This happens often in Malaysia, way too often for a so-called "advanced" country - my Mum often telephones me because the power cuts cause problems with her computer.

In the end he gets on his motorbike and rides to the HQ of the electricity company TNB (Tenaga Nasional Berhad). The first bit at least has English subtitles, I think the rest (he is speaking in Malay to the electric company workers) is actually too rude for him to translate (he could get in trouble from SKMM which is Malaysia's version of Ofcom, they have the power to send cops round to your house if you put too many controversial things online!)

this is the music bit at the end - (with swearing in 3 languages) I don't think I am going to ask my mum what the Malay text means :laugh_at:

TreeVenge Pt I/II (awesome stuff)

DJCliffy — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 20:26:55 GMT

This is quite possibly the best thing i've seen. This week that is! :laugh_at:

Ditto

Iacchus — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:31:34 GMT

Revenge

DaftFader — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 23:06:39 GMT

A website dedicated to the revenge of my cheating ex-girlfriend! Revenge is sweet Jade!

:laugh_at:

US : CO : Elite cop squad to target nude pumpkin run

General Lighting — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 22:35:13 GMT

Quote:

Dozens of police officers are being deployed to the US city of Boulder, Colorado, to try to prevent a zany annual Halloween tradition.
Each year, dozens run down the city's snowy streets wearing only trainers and a hollowed-out pumpkin on their heads.
But, this year, the police are ready to arrest anyone who takes part in the Naked Pumpkin Run.
Officials say they will charge pumpkin-clad runners under the city's law against indecent exposure.
According to the Wall Street Journal, more than 40 officers will be present on the traditional route, with two elite teams of officer patrolling nearby.

BBC NEWS | Americas | US police target nude pumpkin run

not sure who is more crazy, the cops or the runners, as the temperature in Boulder drops to about -3 around this time of year!

Boulder, Colorado (80301) Conditions & Forecast : Weather Underground

UK : East : Actual Ipswich sign

General Lighting — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:48:16 GMT

no wonder there are traffic jams! Fish should be swimming in the Gipping, Deben and Orwell, not polluting the atmosphere with more motor cars.. :you_crazy

UK : LDN (W) : Do not feed

General Lighting — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 13:10:12 GMT

as all the junk food of London makes the pigeons hyperactive, and they start doing acrobatics and jumping over the rats :laugh_at:

I don't see what the problem is though, you could set up a Tesco value circus and keep the kids entertained :laugh_at:

UK : LDN (E) : Cop FAIL - metpol mistakenly put movie actors into hooligan appeal!

General Lighting — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 12:50:57 GMT

Quote:

Earlier this week police issued 66 pictures of people supposedly caught on camera during violent clashes at the game between West Ham and Millwall.
But it has emerged that the images mistakenly included stills of six of actors from recent hooligan-themed movie The Firm. The Metropolitan police said: "We wish to apologise unreservedly to those affected."
Police used a Sky TV report to capture images of fans fighting at the Carling Cup clash in August.
But it appears that because the officers turned off the sound from the report, they failed to realise it included footage from the movie.

Met police apologise over football violence film error | UK news | guardian.co.uk